Thursday, November 29, 2012


i believe God gives us gifts, and puts it on our hearts to be passionate about and want to use these gifts. and because of this there are times we want to be in many places at once. it's hard to be patient. i was a part of a bible study that i had to subtract. i honestly wish i could be in bible study while learning how to code an HTML 5 image slider, while auditioning for a film, while playing with my son, while sketching, while knitting, while filming a difficult role of a schitzophrenic woman or maybe she's on the verge of craziness because she feels the full force of life fiercely ripping through her dream of what life was supposed to be, while sipping hot cocoa, while feeding the hungry, while journaling, while spending girl time with my amazing daughters, while watching 50 incredible must see but i haven't seen movies, while rocking babies in the nicu, while running barefoot down the shore, while reading every classic book ever written, while having a delicious glass of valpolicella with the most incredible man (my husband the surfer guy) who introduced me to the sweetly intoxicating red from Italy, while sheltering the homeless, while riding a bike with a basket of flowers, a bottle of wine, and a baguette from the market to my Italian villa, while sharing the word of God with the whole wide world, while marking and rehearsing a difficult scene with Matt Damon or Leonardo Dicaprio, while designing a beautiful blog for a sweet friend, while having a picnic in the grass staring at the puffy white clouds with my family, while singing in church, while sipping tea, while dreaming.

are these my plans? no, that's the sure way to make God laugh; tell Him your plans. no, these are dreams and a daily todo list that blinks in my head. sometimes i get to do a few of these things. we'll see what God has in store for other days. 

we can't do it all at once, but all of these are desires of mine every single day. and it is agonizing at times to choose. and agonizing to wait for others. i chose to cancel bible study, the homework was dry, Brockman was not happy with the childcare, i just wasn't getting much from this particular curriculum/group. for now i will study with "she reads truth" God knows i need to be in His word, there's just different ways for each one of us. has this happened to you? have you had to drop something that was supposed to be good for you? i think it's good if we live true to ourselves (not easier) but better constantly improving, learning, learning... learning.

i don't know if anyone still reads my lonely blog, but if you are i hope i have helped or inspired you in some way today.

...and then the next day i want to learn how to surf while taking photos of old city architecture, while studying under renown acting coaches, while spending a month in Tavarua watching my husband catch his favorite waves, while enjoying an anisari yoga class, while digging deeper into Ephesians, Psalms, Proverbs and the life of Paul, while spending weeks and weeks with my mother, while watching a monarch butterfly emerge from its chrysalis....